Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan

Last night's screening included a Q&A with Nicholas Meyer, director of Wrath of Khan. So that was pretty cool. He's a smart, funny, and insightful guy who is also tremendously full of himself, so it was fun to hear him talk about how he hasn't seen any blockbusters lately that pay any attention to the story. You know how it goes with the old timers. But let's jump into the movie, right?

So we're in the Enterprise, and things are not going great for Captain Saavik. She appears to be in a no-win situation with Problems. But turns out it was just a test, for Kirk's reality show Starfleet's Next Top Captain. It was a lose-lose scenario, he explains to Saavik, but he was the only dude who never lost, because of course he was. Anyway, things are little bit not-thrilling, mostly because Uhura has STILL not been promoted, despite working nearly two decades at this entry-level job. What the hell Starfleet.
Also, in the time between this movie and the last, Kirk has finally realized that he is getting pretty damn old. Apparently he is way into antiques, which I guess is a being-old thing. Also, and possibly more significantly, it's suggested that McCoy has been keeping Kirk high 24/7 as a favor. It's Kirk's birthday, so OF COURSE McCoy shows up with some mad old Romulan ale. The bros kick back and toast to aging and not having to battle old enemies.
Meanwhile, Chekov has been promoted like crazy, and is now right-hand man to the Captain of a different ship, tasked with building planets for some reason. They head on down to a desert planet, just to check stuff out, and get cold AMBUSHED by the most fearsome dude we ever knew, Shere Khan. Shere Khan was left with his crew on this planet by Kirk (just bein' Kirk), and is now hungry for revenge. Played by Ricardo Montalban, he is just 100% of awesome in every way, and also totally ripped. Like, seriously, he is incredibly buff you guys.
Shere Khan explains that lots of his team, including his wife, were killed by having Yeerks climb into their ears - this first makes people susceptible to suggestion, then crazy, then dead. He drops them in Chekov and his captain's ears, then rolls the dice.
Hanging out on the Enterprise just to party, Kirk gets a call from the team designing the planet-building stuff, seeming upset, so guess what Kirk's in charge again and off we go!
Basically it was a trap, and Khan is there to go crazy attacking Kirk. This is when things get super fun, because Khan's crew keeps reminding him of how awesome they have it. They have a boss ship, a device that builds planets - nothing's stopping them from just making a planet for themselves that is beautiful and lush and then just living out their days comfortably. But guess what Shere Khan has more important plans - killing Kirk.
Kirk outmaneuvers Shere Khan by using cheat codes, and they hang out with the last remaining scientists with their planet-making device. One of them - surprise - banged Kirk back in the day, and PS she has a son with Kirk's hairstyle (but growing on his head, not purchased). Also, the scientists have created this awesome beautiful underground ecosystem, sort of to test their planet-making thing, sort of for fun. Everyone chills out there until it's time to return to the Enterprise and get Chekov in bed so he can recover (they got the Yeerk out, PS).
They go up against Shere Khan again, and kill every single crew member of his except the man himself. The Enterprise is damaged super-bad in the fight, and they realize that Shere Khan's hatred for Kirk is so strong he's going to build a planet around himself and Kirk just to kill them both. The Enterprise's warp drive is completely messed up, and the warp room is leaking radiation like crazy. So Spock decides he's gotta sacrifice himself to save everybody, which works but it sucks because his BFF Kirk has to watch him die. They escape just in the nick of time, as Shere Khan makes a new planet out of pure hatred.
This movie was so good, you guys. I completely get what everyone talks about when they say this movie was great, and it actually got me excited for the next one, which I didn't expect. The tragedy, of course, is no more Shere Khan (until I get to his episode on TOS).

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Last night I saw a midnight screening of Star Trek: The Motion Picture, with a pre-movie Q&A with Arlene Martel! It was really cool, and reminded me of this blog, and so here I am.

Obviously I'm not caught up with the series right now, but I don't think too much from the movie went over my head.
In a couple of prologues, we see this enormous freaking cloud shooting lasers at spaceships for no reason, just destroying this gaggle of Klingons who were basically just chilling out. I have to confess, that this cloud is 100% of terrifying. The movie's special effects are much cooler than the show's, and director Robert Wise chose to spend about ten minutes out of every half hour slowly panning across the Laser Cloud. This made some critics say that the movie lacked plot. I say it made the whole thing even scarier. Seriously. Just these quiet, slow pans across a kloud that kills.

When we last saw our heroes (apparently) they were doing their thing on the USS Enterprise. You know, NBD. But since then, some things have changed. Well, not a lot of things. Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, and (!) Rand are still toiling away in their dead-end jobs, some with mild promotions. Spock, on the other hand, has been away at camp on Vulcan, training to be more of a stone-cold harsh dude, and making lanyards. Kirk has been inexplicably promoted to Admiral, and Bones has been getting wasted, growing a boss beard, and banging everyone he encounters, using his Sex Medallion as a seduction tool. Scotty has been growing a mustache, but I don't recall where.
The Enterprise, in the power vacuum created by Kirk's promotion, is being commanded by Capt. Decker, a minister from a small town in Ohio who has like a dozen kids. As soon as Kirk hears about the Insane Cloud Posse, he gets back onto the Enterprise, demotes Decker for like no reason, and Reclaims His Throne.

Then quite a bit of nothing happens for a while. Basically, the Enterprise just flies toward the cloud for a while, and then reaches the cloud. They hire Sinead O'Connor to help out, and the very second she meets Kirk she tells him she has a vow of celibacy. Which, okay, do what you gotta do, but apparently Kirk's reputation is pretty set among Starfleeters. Even though he's her direct superior. So, she could just refer him to her H.R. rep if he tried anything. But she goes the celibacy route. So, okay.
Also, turns out she has a history with Decker, and the two of them share Meaningful Glances for basically the length of the movie.
They get to the cloud, and my least favorite thing in the movie happens. Spock uses his computer to figure out that the cloud communicates in a higher frequency or whatever than the Enterprise does, which is why it hasn't responded positively to their "What Up" messages. Here's what sucks about this: Uhura already gets basically nothing to do here. Let her be good at her job, please. She can figure this stuff out.
Anyway, they start chatting with the cloud, and then it attacks them, and then it eats Sinead O'Connor, and then it sends her back with a creepy voice. The cloud is named V'ger (pronounced "vagina") and it is sad and confused, like 24/7.
They keep flying deeper and deeper into the cloud, which is equal parts tedious and terrifying.
Once things are crazy dangerous enough, they get to the heart of the thing, and Kirk decides it's time to go exploring. He is led by Sinead, because she's acting as an operative for V'ger. He takes Spock, because Spock mind-melded with the thing or something. Decker wants to come, so fine. And he takes McCoy, because BROS FOR LIFE.
They get in close and figure out that oh man V'ger is short for "Voyager 6" and it has just collected all the information in the universe and wants to give it back to earth, in the form of DESTRUCTION. Obviously there's only one solution: Decker has to meld with V'ger and also with Sinead O'Connor, and then it's okay. It's like they're getting married basically.
Their job done (a ton of Starfleeters dead), Kirk and The Jets return to The Enterprise. Kirk figures Decker and Sinead might not count as dead, so he puts them down as "missing," WHICH WILL FUCK WITH THEIR FAMILIES' PENSIONS AND BENEFITS KIRK COME ON, and decides to just keep captaining this spaceship, and flying off to "that-a-way." Until next time!