Miri: Season One Episode Eight

This was definitely the best episode so far that doesn't have Uhura in it. Granted, that is not a competition worth winning, but this episode was seriously great. We start in with the gang responding to a distress call on a planet that seems just like Earth, but it isn't Earth, not even Planet of the Apes Earth (spoiler alert), so don't worry.
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Rand, and some redshirts beam down to what basically looks like a ghost town from the 40s. It was actually the set of The Andy Griffith Show (both Star Trek and TAGS were filmed at Desilu, which is now Culver City Studios - fascinating information, n'est-ce pas?), and the dudes say it looks like a typical town from 1960. Um?
They come across a tricycle, which McCoy spends a ton of time TOUCHING. Like, is he remembering a dead child? And since everything about this town says, "pandemic," maybe you don't want to fondle everything that children put their butts on? I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But being a doctor is not enough to save McCoy from being attacked out of nowhere by a terrifyingly gross adolescent, whose skin is falling apart and is yelling like a little kid "Mine! Mine!" Kirk hauls off and punches him in teh face a couple of times and the kid dies (probably not from the punches).
The gang hears a noise, walks into a house to investigate, and finds a crying girl in a closet, who immediately trusts and loves Kirk and believes he can do no wrong. She's supposed to be, like 14? Whatever, no way Kirk will exploit this girl's wild hormones. Her name's Miri, btw, and Kirk thinks that's a cute name. She thinks Jim is a good name, so Harry meet Sally.
Spock is wandering around Ghost Town USA, and some little kids start totally messing with him. Spock, being coldly logical, has no clue how to deal with children (we all know someone like this, remember what that person is like when kids mess with him/her, it's hilarious). Spock immediately calls for help because he can't even get his act together.
Miri tells the gang that kids hate grown ups on this planet because a while ago all the grown ups got some kind of sickness, went crazy, got mean, started fighting EVERYTHING (hence the kid who was coo-coo for tricycle earlier) and then died. So basically what we have on our hands is a Kid Nation, and these kids would not even make it past episode one, they have done such a bad job of governing. Kirk gets super turned on by this history lesson, I guess, so he moves in for the kiss:
But before he can consummate this love, she notices that he has a gross sore on his hand, JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS AND I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU. Kirk's not alone, of course. McCoy's got the sores, and so does Rand. Spock doesn't show it, but he's got it. McCoy drops some pretty rude green-blood jokes on Spock (he didn't even pretend it was the disease talking). They get to work researching, using technology as well as reading books and stuff, and they figure out that the planet was put together with the plan of prolonging human life, but it backfired pretty bad. Everyone past puberty dies, BOOM. Also, everyone lives for a super-long time now, so Miri's actually a few hundred years old. She just hasn't matured. Still creepy, IMO. Team Jacob.
That's when things get awesome. We get to party a little bit with Kid Nation, led by Hawkeye Pan, an ageless boy who was drafted to Korea, and also his merry band of Lost Boys:
Hawkeye Pan decides that the Lost Boys need to steal the gang's communicators, because they figure the communicators are being used for evil (rather than for communicating with the ship in order to cure the pandemic). Also, another adolescent turns up dead, sort of bringing home the severity of things for Miri, who totally wants to make a porno with Kirk (I just thought of that).
Kirk returns so he and the gang can discuss further how little time they have left to figure out this cure before dying (basically a week). They talk about the changes Miri's going to go through during puberty, and it's so Three Men and a Little Lady, if the Little Lady wanted to make out with Tom Selleck (who doesn't?). Also, Leonard Nimoy gets an idea and decides to direct Three Men and a Baby in a couple decades. Also: Kirk asks Miri to sharpen pencils while the grown ups talk, which is so appropriate. That's a great way to treat people, Kirk.
While Kirk and the gang are distracted, Hawkeye Pan sneaks in and stone cold swipes the communicators, making it much harder for McCoy to figure this thing out. Things deteriorate: everyone starts snapping at each other, and sores are popping up, and it kind of sucks. Rand has a complete freak-out session where she's like "Kirk all I ever wanted was to bang you and now we're gonna die." Kirk is like "Sorry, boo." and gives her a big Friend Hug. Unfortunately, Miri sees this and gets the wrong idea because SHE AND KIRK WERE GONNA GET MARRIED. She is so pissed she sneaks off to Hawkeye Pan and starts conspiring with him. They plan on killing Kirk and Rand, and then the rest, in no particular order, it's just coincidence, no big. The Lost Boys love this plan.
Back with the gang, Spock and McCoy think they found the cure, but they're not positive. It could be the cure, or it could kill someone. So, who knows? Also, Kirk's flipping out because Rand's disappeared (step one of Miri's plan). Miri refuses to help him, and that's when he drops some TRUTH on her: When you grow up, your heart dies. You stop wanting to play with your friends, and you get the disease, and everything becomes terrible. Basically, he wants to separate her from her daemon. He shows her a sore on her own body, and she's sold.
She brings him over to Kid Nation, to try to convince the Lost Boys to cooperate. But oh man, these kids are in no mood to listen. They yell over him and laugh and mock him and it is so funny watching him try to retain order. It's like that episode of Full House when Joey becomes a substitute teacher, if Joey was also trying to sleep with Michelle (yikes). The kids attack him, Lord of the Flies-style, but he uses that to his advantage and tells them that they're being violent, just like they think adults are, so did I just blow your mind? He tells them they have blood on their hands, and they start frantically miming washing their hands, forever. Also, everyone dies some day, and if you guys are lucky you'll starve to death before the disease gets you, and other Facts of Life.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, McCoy is so freaking bored of just sitting around waiting for Kirk to convince some children of their own mortality, he injects himself with the maybe-cure, figuring you only go around once. He collapses to the ground, so maybe not the best plan? Especially since about a minute later Kirk walks in, with the communicators. Good things come to etc. But actually the cure worked, and McCoy gets better, so it's okay. The gang bolts the planet, and they discuss that some grown ups are being sent to the planet to take care of Kid Nation, which SUCKS because they were doing so great on their own. Rand mentions that Miri really loved Kirk, and Kirk drops a bon mot on her he's clearly been saving: "I never get involved with older women." (Because Miri was hundreds of years old, recall) Then he gives us our Kirk Smug Mug, which lasts almost a solid minute without dialogue:
So this episode was great and had creepy sexual overtones and everything, but can Uhura please come back? I miss her. :(

What Are Little Girls Made Of?: Season One Episode Seven

Jesus, this episode was just all Kirk all the time. We spent the bulk of the episode underground on planet Exo III with Kirk and Chapel and some character to be described momentarily, and we BARELY get to hang out with Spock and we see Uhura briefly and that's about it. SIGH.
So we're coming in on Exo III, and Chapel's over the moon (no pun intended) because they're pretty sure they've tracked down her fiance, which was maybe the reason why she joined the Enterprise, which maybe she should have just stayed with him instead of trying to join Starfleet in order to find him, you know? I dunno. It's fine.
Apparently Nurse Chapel's fiance is named Roger Korby, which is obviously just an Exo III alias for Roger Corman, the famed cult filmmaker. According to Kirk, everyone has to read about his movies at Starfleet Academy, so he's pretty famous, and also yikes how old is he? Chapel seems on the youngish side. Not trying to judge May-December relationships here, but let's just say I was not surprised to learn that she was his student at USC Film School.
Kirk and Chapel beam down to Exo III with two dudes conveniently wearing red shirts. According to The Internet these guys were the first Red Shirts on the show to die. Sorry bros. Starfleet gets a wicked discount at the Uniform Emporium on red shirts. Everything's super cavernous and scary, so obviously one red shirt falls into a pit within like thirty seconds of arriving.
They meet Doc Brown, Corman's assistant (he would later go on to invent a device for time travel), who's like "Oh, that guy fell in the pit? He's definitely dead. Sorry, Kirk. No chance he's still alive. So freaking dead like you wouldn't believe."
We only see him briefly, but it's revealed that a HORRIBLE MONSTER CREATURE pushed Red Shirt #1 into the pit. The monster then grabs Red Shirt #2 and so just like that we're out of red shirts.

We get to know another member of this underground gang, Andrea, whose uniform is just like Doc Brown's but without a shirt underneath, because comfort I guess. Chapel's not thrilled by this development, because no woman wants to think her fiance has spent the last five years making underground movies with a lady this sexy. She probably does full frontal, you know?
FINALLY Roger Corman shows up, and as predicted he and Chapel have a real Woody/Soon-Yi thing happening, which is fine.
Kirk tries to call Spock to let him know things are cool, don't worry, but Corman's like DON'T CALL THEM BUT PS DON'T FREAK OUT EVERYTHING'S COOL I JUST CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW. Kirk's like "Sorry I don't roll that way" but Doc Brown pulls a phaser on him then so does Andrea but Kirk really casually disarms Andrea, as easily as one would signal for a check in an uncrowded diner, then shoots a hole right through Doc Brown and gets roughed up by that MONSTER from earlier. But guess what? Check out Doc Brown:
Androids? Yes, androids. Not only was Doc Brown an android, but so is Andrea and Ruk, the monster. Obviously Corman has been building a cast of androids so he can film longer hours without having to pay union rates. Also, Ruk can mimic anyone's voice, which is useful for ADR. Ruk calls Spock AS Kirk and is like "Everything's cool, Spock, don't send anybody down here, okay?" Kirk's like "Come on dude what the hell?" and Corman keeps insisting he'll explain later, but not now, for some reason.
Chapel asks, completely reasonably, "So, did you build Andrea for sex or what?" Within the bounds of Chapel's relationship with Roger Corman, having sex with a robot is considered cheating. Corman laughs at the idea, and says it would be impossible because robots don't have emotions. (Um.) To prove a point (?) he orders Andrea to kiss Kirk (EPISODE WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY WILLIAM SHATNER not really), then to slap him. Apparently Corman doesn't know that this mirrors every sexual encounter Kirk's ever had.
That done, it is time to build a Kirk roboclone. Kirk sucks in his gut a little, and Chapel can definitely see his penis. It's not clear how this device works, but Kirk has this completely brilliant idea where he spends the whole time saying rude things about Spock under his breath. Why? YOU'LL SEE. Also, here is the control area for the roboclone machine:
As far as anyone can tell, RoboKlork is exactly the same as Kirk, including having his memories! Roger Corman takes the opportunity to start explaining the situation to everyone involved. He thinks the world would be better and more efficient if everyone were replaced by roboclones, which I guess is true, but who would be around to enjoy it, you know? Why not just eliminate all of humanity and leave it alone? I dunno. Maybe I'm just not smart enough. But if you replace all your actors with robots, and your audience with robots, will anybody attend your movies? Probably not, Roger Corman. While Corman is blabbing, Kirk escapes, and attacks Ruk with a big plaster penis. Ruk pretty easily disarms Kirk, obviously, and we're back to square one.
RoboKlork heads back to the Enterprise for some scheming. Spock asks him a question, and RoboKlork repeats Kirk's offensive language from earlier, alerting Spock to the fact that this guy's a phony, because Kirk and Spock are BFFS.
Back on Exo III, Kirk has a new plan. He forces Andrea to make out with him a ton, and in doing so CONFUSES HER ROBOBRAIN. She's all "I am a robot and have no emotions, yet I want this captain inside me. Does. Not. Compute. Beep. Boop."
There's a little moving from one room to another, then a scuffle occurs, and Corman rips his hand and guess what:
Yes, that's right. Roger Corman himself is a robo-auteur. He claims he's the same as he ever was, but Chapel's not into it now. So I wonder: is she just prejudiced against robots? Would she have been cool with Corman banging a human lady on the side? I don't know how to feel about Chapel right now. Anyway, Corman and Andrea do a Robeo and Julibot thing and both phase out, so really this whole mission was kind of a big waste of time.
We end on the Enterprise (I missed you, Enterprise), where we recall that even though Spock knew that RoboKlork was a roboclone, it didn't really result in anything substantial, which is okay. Spock tells Kirk "you kind of hurt my feelings with what you made your roboclone say." And Kirk's like "I won't call you a half-breed if the situation comes up again," which is basically like saying "Shut up," and he flashes a smug mug AND THAT'S WHERE WE END. Maybe next time there will be more of our favorite characters.