Here comes another Kirk-heavy episode. What is this, The Kirk Show? Don't they know that the people DEMAND more Uhura? Well, at least Uhura's in this one, you know?
When our episode begins the Enterprise is picking up some cargo from a penal colony - the planet TantalOz. Two things to note here: 1) Why is the Enterprise picking up cargo from this planet? I thought they mainly had to explore and rescue stuff. This makes it seem like they're Planet Express. That's cool, though, I figure this is official business. 2) Opinions are divided on the efficacy of Planet TantalOz. Kirk thinks it's totally cool and forward-thinking, which is just so Kirk. McCoy says "a cage is still a cage" because he is an Angela-Davis-style prison abolitionist which is BOSS. Spock is all "Vulcans don't need prison because we have no emotions and so we commit no crimes and we must be socialist because a lot of human crimes are committed out of need" and McCoy's immediately like "Shut up Spock nobody wants to hear about your idiot Buddhist/socialist species" and we remember that McCoy is pretty racist against Vulcans for someone who hates prisons, if that makes sense (in my mind all progressive viewpoints necessarily lead to all other progressive viewpoints, which is why everyone who supports gay marriage is vegan, you know?).
Anyway we're getting off-track here. This box that the Enterprise has just beamed aboard also has an ESCAPED CONVICT in it, which is kind of TantalOz's bad, you know? Like, please make sure your boxes don't include escaped convicts before you beam them aboard a military spaceship. In the future, at least.
The Convict knocks out a couple of dudes for basically no reason until he can make his way to the bridge. Before we get to that, I just want to point something out. This dude sees the Convict running off, and calls the bridge. And look at the sign behind him:
Yes, that's right. PERSONNEL DIRECTOR. The Enterprise does in fact have an HR department. What are the duties of this personnel director? Is it exclusively hiring/firing? I'd have to assume so, especially considering what comes soon (remember this for later).
Anyway, the Convict makes it to the bridge, and we find out his name is van Gelder, and he is immediately subdued by Spock's Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Pinch'D. They tie him down and figure out that he's not a convict at all! He's an insane person who used to work alongside Tim McManus, this doctor who is running the show down on TantalOz. McManus asks for van Gelder back, and Kirk thinks that's cool, but McCoy is not so sure. He's got a weird feeling about stuff, and his weird feeling requires Kirk to investigate the prison planet of TantalOz, which is a cool way of doing things. McCoy has so much power he should just tell Kirk to abolish all prisons ever because he doesn't like them. But he doesn't, because he knows not to abuse his power, unless it can result in some Vulcans getting their feelings hurt.
But Kirk can't go down to a prison planet alone - he needs to be accompanied by a specialist:
We zoom in tight on her, so my first thought is "Dang the camera people are really into how hot this lady is." Then it is revealed that we were in Kirk's POV, and he was eye-zooming her because at the Christmas party a couple years ago (according to the internet, TOS's only mention of Christmas bah humbug) they totally hooked up. Where is the personnel director when you need hir, which is now, because Kirk is INCREDIBLY hostile toward her for hooking up with him and then continuing to exist. Her name, by the way, is Dr. Noel, because Christmas.
The prison planet looks remarkably similar to the abandoned distillery planet from "Where No Man Has Gone Before." Observe:
Fun fact: This is because it was the same matte painting, with a few changes made. Still looks beautiful, though, right?
Kirk and Noel meet with McManus, who explains that on TantalOz, criminals are rehabilitated by being convinced to forget about their past crimes and basically become new people. McManus shows them how his machine works, and it's obvious none of them saw the historical movie A Clockwork Orange, because if they had (or even read the book!) they would find something weird about this:
This guy has to stare at a flashing light for a while until everything in his mind is fixed. No Beethoven plays, but that might be because there's only one "van" per episode allowed.
Kirk keeps asking McManus questions about this system, and McManus compares Kirk to the parable of the skeptic who asks a wise man to teach him the mysteries of the universe while he's standing on one foot. Sorry, Star Trek, this is actually a Jewish story about Rabbi Shamai (the writer of this episode of Star Trek was Jewish, and supposedly snuck in Jewish stuff to his episodes, which does not explain the Christmas party), and it was super easy for Rabbi Shamai to teach the skeptic Torah. This butchering of a Jewish folktale, combined with his uncanny resemblance to the Senator from The Manchurian Candidate, makes Kirk very suspicious. Noel is not suspicious at all, but either one of them could just be trying to be contrarian because of the I-hate-you sexual tension.
Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Spock and McCoy are having a very hard time getting information out of van Gelder, so they decide they have only one choice: The Vulcan Mind Meld.
This was apparently selected because the CBS insisted that if Spock hypnotize van Gelder, as in the original script, they would have to make clear that he is a doctor, or at least an expert on hypnosis. This was easier, and way awesomer. This is a two-Vulcan-move episode, and I am getting high on life watching it.
From this Mind Meld they learn that McManus has been running EXPERIMENTS on prisoners, including on van Gelder. They start to worry about Kirk, but transmitter reception is terrible on TantalOz. Also, has this allowed McCoy and Spock to bond a little more? I'm gonna say yes. Maybe now you learned that Vulcans are humans too, McCoy, and being a doctor necessitates not being ridiculously bigoted against your patients. I'm pretty sure it comes across in this expression:
Back on TantalOz, Kirk wants to investigate with Noel in secret. They sneak into the Chair Room and Kirk instructs Noel to try to use it to make him do things. This has the potential for intense comedy. First Noel uses the machine to make Kirk hungry, and it works. Then he asks her to push it a little more. So she uses the machine to convince Kirk that the time they hooked up at the Christmas party, they actually got more romantic than just dry-humping behind the punch table. He immediately recalls this:
But before she can remind him that this is all a fantasy, a beautiful, beautiful fantasy, McManus bursts in and turns the machine up pretty high and convinces Kirk that he's in love with Noel, and that Noel wants him to toss aside his phaser and transmitter. As he's doing it, Kirk calls Spock for help because he is Just That Tough. Kirk and Noel are sequestered in a locked room (a cage is a cage, man). Even though he's brainwashed, Kirk is strong enough to recommend that Noel climb into the A/C ducts to deactivate the planet's force fields, which would allow Team Enterprise to beam down and rescue them.
Just as she climbs in, Kirk gets called away for more brainwashing. McManus turns up the machine to 50 and is all "War is peace; hate is love," and notes how tough Kirk is. Meanwhile, in Die Hard:
Noel takes down the force field, Spock and the gang beam down, and Adams is neutralized. Then the BEST THING IN HISTORY HAPPENS.
Kirk is reunited with Noel and smooches her way hard. She smooches back, and then is like "on second thought you're brainwashed into loving me, so, uh, weird." Here's a picture of that:
Spock bursts around the corner with a phaser, ready to kick ass if necessary, and comes upon this tableau. His response:
Like, "What am I gonna do with this guy?!" Kirk notices Spock, and Spock gives him one of these:
"Kiiiiiiirk." Don't tell me you have no emotions, Spock, or is WRYNESS not an emotion?
Anyway, they catch up with McManus, who's died from overexposure to the brainwashing machine, because it emptied his mind and nobody was around to fill it. McCoy gives Kirk a "He's dead, Captain," and then it's back to the Enterprise. Van Gelder is now in charge of TantalOz and has destroyed all the equipment, which makes me kind of wonder what van Gelder's system of rehabilitation is. I hope it involves helping convicts get their space G.E.D.s. Kirk ruminates on how sucky it was to be brainwashed, then tells Spock to get them the hell out of there as fast as possible, and he and Spock share a smirk, which makes me wonder if I missed a joke. Anyway, it gives us Kirk's Smug Mug:
When our episode begins the Enterprise is picking up some cargo from a penal colony - the planet TantalOz. Two things to note here: 1) Why is the Enterprise picking up cargo from this planet? I thought they mainly had to explore and rescue stuff. This makes it seem like they're Planet Express. That's cool, though, I figure this is official business. 2) Opinions are divided on the efficacy of Planet TantalOz. Kirk thinks it's totally cool and forward-thinking, which is just so Kirk. McCoy says "a cage is still a cage" because he is an Angela-Davis-style prison abolitionist which is BOSS. Spock is all "Vulcans don't need prison because we have no emotions and so we commit no crimes and we must be socialist because a lot of human crimes are committed out of need" and McCoy's immediately like "Shut up Spock nobody wants to hear about your idiot Buddhist/socialist species" and we remember that McCoy is pretty racist against Vulcans for someone who hates prisons, if that makes sense (in my mind all progressive viewpoints necessarily lead to all other progressive viewpoints, which is why everyone who supports gay marriage is vegan, you know?).
Anyway we're getting off-track here. This box that the Enterprise has just beamed aboard also has an ESCAPED CONVICT in it, which is kind of TantalOz's bad, you know? Like, please make sure your boxes don't include escaped convicts before you beam them aboard a military spaceship. In the future, at least.The Convict knocks out a couple of dudes for basically no reason until he can make his way to the bridge. Before we get to that, I just want to point something out. This dude sees the Convict running off, and calls the bridge. And look at the sign behind him:
Yes, that's right. PERSONNEL DIRECTOR. The Enterprise does in fact have an HR department. What are the duties of this personnel director? Is it exclusively hiring/firing? I'd have to assume so, especially considering what comes soon (remember this for later).Anyway, the Convict makes it to the bridge, and we find out his name is van Gelder, and he is immediately subdued by Spock's Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Pinch'D. They tie him down and figure out that he's not a convict at all! He's an insane person who used to work alongside Tim McManus, this doctor who is running the show down on TantalOz. McManus asks for van Gelder back, and Kirk thinks that's cool, but McCoy is not so sure. He's got a weird feeling about stuff, and his weird feeling requires Kirk to investigate the prison planet of TantalOz, which is a cool way of doing things. McCoy has so much power he should just tell Kirk to abolish all prisons ever because he doesn't like them. But he doesn't, because he knows not to abuse his power, unless it can result in some Vulcans getting their feelings hurt.
But Kirk can't go down to a prison planet alone - he needs to be accompanied by a specialist:
We zoom in tight on her, so my first thought is "Dang the camera people are really into how hot this lady is." Then it is revealed that we were in Kirk's POV, and he was eye-zooming her because at the Christmas party a couple years ago (according to the internet, TOS's only mention of Christmas bah humbug) they totally hooked up. Where is the personnel director when you need hir, which is now, because Kirk is INCREDIBLY hostile toward her for hooking up with him and then continuing to exist. Her name, by the way, is Dr. Noel, because Christmas.
The prison planet looks remarkably similar to the abandoned distillery planet from "Where No Man Has Gone Before." Observe:
Fun fact: This is because it was the same matte painting, with a few changes made. Still looks beautiful, though, right?
Kirk and Noel meet with McManus, who explains that on TantalOz, criminals are rehabilitated by being convinced to forget about their past crimes and basically become new people. McManus shows them how his machine works, and it's obvious none of them saw the historical movie A Clockwork Orange, because if they had (or even read the book!) they would find something weird about this:
This guy has to stare at a flashing light for a while until everything in his mind is fixed. No Beethoven plays, but that might be because there's only one "van" per episode allowed.Kirk keeps asking McManus questions about this system, and McManus compares Kirk to the parable of the skeptic who asks a wise man to teach him the mysteries of the universe while he's standing on one foot. Sorry, Star Trek, this is actually a Jewish story about Rabbi Shamai (the writer of this episode of Star Trek was Jewish, and supposedly snuck in Jewish stuff to his episodes, which does not explain the Christmas party), and it was super easy for Rabbi Shamai to teach the skeptic Torah. This butchering of a Jewish folktale, combined with his uncanny resemblance to the Senator from The Manchurian Candidate, makes Kirk very suspicious. Noel is not suspicious at all, but either one of them could just be trying to be contrarian because of the I-hate-you sexual tension.
Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Spock and McCoy are having a very hard time getting information out of van Gelder, so they decide they have only one choice: The Vulcan Mind Meld.
This was apparently selected because the CBS insisted that if Spock hypnotize van Gelder, as in the original script, they would have to make clear that he is a doctor, or at least an expert on hypnosis. This was easier, and way awesomer. This is a two-Vulcan-move episode, and I am getting high on life watching it.From this Mind Meld they learn that McManus has been running EXPERIMENTS on prisoners, including on van Gelder. They start to worry about Kirk, but transmitter reception is terrible on TantalOz. Also, has this allowed McCoy and Spock to bond a little more? I'm gonna say yes. Maybe now you learned that Vulcans are humans too, McCoy, and being a doctor necessitates not being ridiculously bigoted against your patients. I'm pretty sure it comes across in this expression:
Back on TantalOz, Kirk wants to investigate with Noel in secret. They sneak into the Chair Room and Kirk instructs Noel to try to use it to make him do things. This has the potential for intense comedy. First Noel uses the machine to make Kirk hungry, and it works. Then he asks her to push it a little more. So she uses the machine to convince Kirk that the time they hooked up at the Christmas party, they actually got more romantic than just dry-humping behind the punch table. He immediately recalls this:
But before she can remind him that this is all a fantasy, a beautiful, beautiful fantasy, McManus bursts in and turns the machine up pretty high and convinces Kirk that he's in love with Noel, and that Noel wants him to toss aside his phaser and transmitter. As he's doing it, Kirk calls Spock for help because he is Just That Tough. Kirk and Noel are sequestered in a locked room (a cage is a cage, man). Even though he's brainwashed, Kirk is strong enough to recommend that Noel climb into the A/C ducts to deactivate the planet's force fields, which would allow Team Enterprise to beam down and rescue them.Just as she climbs in, Kirk gets called away for more brainwashing. McManus turns up the machine to 50 and is all "War is peace; hate is love," and notes how tough Kirk is. Meanwhile, in Die Hard:
Noel takes down the force field, Spock and the gang beam down, and Adams is neutralized. Then the BEST THING IN HISTORY HAPPENS.Kirk is reunited with Noel and smooches her way hard. She smooches back, and then is like "on second thought you're brainwashed into loving me, so, uh, weird." Here's a picture of that:
Spock bursts around the corner with a phaser, ready to kick ass if necessary, and comes upon this tableau. His response:
Like, "What am I gonna do with this guy?!" Kirk notices Spock, and Spock gives him one of these:
"Kiiiiiiirk." Don't tell me you have no emotions, Spock, or is WRYNESS not an emotion?Anyway, they catch up with McManus, who's died from overexposure to the brainwashing machine, because it emptied his mind and nobody was around to fill it. McCoy gives Kirk a "He's dead, Captain," and then it's back to the Enterprise. Van Gelder is now in charge of TantalOz and has destroyed all the equipment, which makes me kind of wonder what van Gelder's system of rehabilitation is. I hope it involves helping convicts get their space G.E.D.s. Kirk ruminates on how sucky it was to be brainwashed, then tells Spock to get them the hell out of there as fast as possible, and he and Spock share a smirk, which makes me wonder if I missed a joke. Anyway, it gives us Kirk's Smug Mug:
No comments:
Post a Comment