Mudd's Women: Season One Episode Six

Here comes Mudd's Women, and that is a good title for this episode because basically Our Man Mudd just rips it up across this episode. It also moves pretty slowly for the first half, focusing mainly on the confusing legal travails of Our Man Mudd, then suddenly kicks into high gear and juggles thirty plots at once. Let's dive in!
The Enterprise (including the occasional appearance by Uhura, so, that's awesome) is chasing an unregistered ship through an asteroid belt! So, immediately we are in the ACTION. Both ships get messed up pretty bad by the asteroids and stuff (the science of this was hard for me to follow, not because it was unclear, but because I felt like I got it). They beam aboard the captain of that ship, and he is an incredible, huge, hairy Irish beast of a man with a curly mustache and a silver tongue. He is Our Man Mudd, but shhh he's pretending his name is Leo Francis Walsh. He's also dressed like a pirate! No, really:

Mudd explains that there are three other individuals on his ship, but they're not his crew dot dot dot THEY'RE HIS CARGO. If I were Leon Phelps (and I am), I would say "Ooh, it's a lady!" I would say it again two more times, because they're three ladies. And immediately all the bros on the ship are left drooling all over the ladies, except for Spock who currently has two emotions: Not Into These Ladies ~and~ Pissed at The Bros For Being Into These Ladies. Plus Sulu is not into them because he's looking at Our Man Mudd and thinking "More Cushion for the Pushin'" and "Where Can I Get A Sweet Hat Like That?"
It's established that these ladies are with Mudd consensually, and they're looking to marry dudes and so Mudd finds dudes in search of ladies to marry, and gets the dudes to pay for this, and this sounds creepy but is basically space prostitution, which is NOT YET LEGAL/SAFE, which is disappointing. This show was made in 1966 - are there episodes about back-galaxy space-bortions? You know? But there's something weird about the ladies, because they're supposed to refuse medical examinations (PS it is suggested that they might be forced to undergo medical exams, which IS THERE NO CONSTITUTION IN SPACE OR WHAT?). So, keep an eye on that.
We're then subjected to a Space Kangaroo Court, where Our Man Mudd is subjected to a Lie Detector Test while being tried. This seems unreasonable. His real name is revealed, as is the fact that he has a criminal record. He's basically a galaxy-trotting ne'er-do-well named Harcourt Fenton Mudd, which in my book is no crime at all. They decide to keep him locked up, which is fine by him because it's pretty lax security on the Enterprise, and also he's got a secret plan going with The Ladies. One of The Ladies, Eve, is totally head over heels for Kirk (OBVIOUSLY) and is not sure she wants to go through with the schemes. Trust Our Mann Mudd, Eve. He knows what he's doing.

As luck would have it, the Enterprise is badly in need of some dilithium crystals (referred to on this episode as "lithium crystals" which sounds like something a character on Breaking Bad would get addicted to), and Our Man Mudd promises the crew that the dudes who are gonna marry The Ladies have tons of dilithium. Just tons of the stuff, hint hint. Our Man Mudd bangs out a deal with the miners before Kirk even knows what's happening. And so here come the miners!
But first, The Ladies are chilling in Our Man Mudd's cabin (chilled-out lockdown environment, Kirk) and they cannot find their pills! What kind of pills? The kind of pills that keep the ladies from looking hideous. So, twist. The ladies aren't really beautiful! They just look beautiful when they take pills.
The miners meet The Ladies, and other than Eve everyone's getting along pretty well. Eve doesn't really want to party with these guys, so the three miners start fighting over the other two ladies, and things break down. Eve bolts, and now the gang needs to track them down or else they can't get the dilithium and so on. Also, the planet's covered in dust!
Everyone goes looking for Eve for a while, then one of the miners just kind of stumbles upon her and they go back to his place where she is mighty unhappy to be with him. She shows him how pissed she is by cooking him breakfast (?) and he is angry about this (!). He tells her that a real man makes his own breakfast, and hotties are only for banging. Her good looks fade, and he's like "Well, what's the point?" Kirk and Our Man Mudd show up (I missssssed himmmm) and explain about the Hottie Pills, which are apparently illegal too? What is with space criminalizing everything, you guys? I can understand an ethical argument against taking a pill to make you conventionally attractive (probably this was an allegory about plastic surgery?) but making it illegal seems excessive, especially because it appears to have no negative effects. Kirk casually holds out a pill and she swallows it and gives the miner a hard "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT???!!!" Then Kirk, that sly old dogg, explains: the pill was a placebo. You went back to being a hottie because you gained Self Confidence! Kirk gets the dilithium crystals, smirkingly discusses imprisoning Our Man Mudd, and Eve gets married to the coal miner, because now they're into each other.
I'm sorry, but this episode is space-insane. She gets more beautiful because she gains self-confidence? Does she learn a valuable lesson or something? Is this episode a fairy tale? Because of the Space Magical Realism of this episode, I'm inclined to think of it as non-canonical. A little folk tale, basically. Let's close out with a Kirk Smug Mug COUPLED with a OUR MAN MUDD SMUG MUG:

Two pieces of housekeeping:
I really hope that Mudd comes back. I probably don't mind about spoilers, if someone mentioned that he shows up again, but obviously I'd want the details to be a surprise. But he is one of my all-time favorite characters on the show so far, maybe tied with Fencing Sulu for second, after Uhura Always.
Also, it has come to my attention that some of my readers are genuine Star Trek fans (or "Starries," as they prefer to be called) and want to comment to correct my understanding of a story or to generally engage me about the show. Feel free! I'd love to know what you guys think of this silly ol' blog.

The Enemy Within: Season One Episode Five

I'll be honest from the start here: this is not my favorite all-time episode. I'm sorry, but you cannot keep me from Uhura this long. In fact, I'm going to have a comment on this subject later. Don't let me forget!
The situation is that some of the gang is on a planet, just looking at rocks, when jackass Fisher cuts his hand pretty bad and has to get beamed back and is covered in ore and whatever. More importantly, perhaps, is the fact that the gang finds a cute hilarious dog/unicorn hybrid, or a unicanine.
Scotty gives Fisher a once-over with his weird-substance-detector, and decides Fisher's cool, don't worry about it. You guys update your software please.
But we're missing the main point here, which is that the ore that Fisher's covered in causes Kirk to split into two dudes: Good Kirk and Evil Kirk (or "Krik," as I have just decided to call him). The primary distinction between the two is that Krik totally wears eyeliner (how is that evil Star Trek what are you trying to say just kidding you're cool) and also staggers around like a freaking troglodyte. He can totally talk, but does so very rarely, like Frankenstein in the original book, and in this example I am that asshole who read the book and is a dick about how Frankenstein's monster can talk.
Kirk goes to take a nap in his quarters, where Rand was just chilling while he was gone, because it's totally normal for yeomen to hang out in a captain's quarters when the captain's not around. Krik, on the other hand, immediately begins causing trouble because the dude does not know who his parents are, or something. He wanders over to McCoy's office and immediately acts like he's about to make out with McCoy because this is a slash fiction episode:

But no Krik just demands booze instead, which luckily the always-drunk McCoy keeps right next to the examination table. Krik begins to wander the halls sipping on bourbon like Ulysses S Grant, until he comes across Yeoman Rand's quarters. He totally TOUCHES a painting she has placed in her room, maybe she was even painting it herself, whatever, dick move, and decides to settle in.
Over in Kirk's quarters, Spock drops by to be like "Bro I heard you almost kissed McCoy and then grabbed his Southern Comfort. This is all plausibly Kirk behavior but certainly seems a bit X-treme. You cool?" Kirk has no idea what he's talking about, so the ever-loyal Spock decides that McCoy, the doctor, is going insane and they shouldn't stress over it. They almost decide to worry about this idea, when they get a call from Scotty, who has discovered a weird thing about the unicanine clone that popped out of the transporter: It is the exact opposite of the regular unicanine. Instead of saying, "Scotty, it is crazy to claim you can tell the difference of personalities between two alien pooches you just met, have you been stealing liquor from the doctor too?" they just say, "Oh, that's weird. Good thing it DEFINITELY DIDN'T HAPPEN TO KIRK." and also realize they can't beam back Sulu and the gang from the planet they were on, which sucks because the planet's getting crazy cold at night. Here's a pretty unnecessary picture of this scene, just because I love almost everything in this picture:

Seriously, Kirk is wearing his leisure shirt, and a worried Scotty is holding that kooky dog, which has definitely been sedated, because the personality differences between the dogs is that one is docile and one is barking like crazy. Sorry, I don't usually use this blog to make fun of Star Trek, but this episode was not my favorite so, sorry.
Next, we head over to Rand's room, where TENSION has been building. I want to comment quickly on the decor. She has a wall that, when you touch it, slides open to become a dresser/makeup table. Why not just have a dresser/makeup table there? The reason is that it was 1966, and as fucking genius Natasha Vargas-Cooper writes, this was an era of clean lines. This was the era that Stanley Kubrick defined the antiseptic future. WHOA. Sorry. On the story, which is awful. Krik tries to rape Rand. She calls out for help, and that JACKASS FISHER pushes the intercom button and wastes so much time identifying himself that he doesn't even get a chance to say "Krik is trying to rape Rand you guys" before Krik incapacitates him. Damn it Fisher, you're terrible at everything. I'm glad you got your hand cut. Krik returns to Kirk's room to hide and nurse his wounds.
Now comes the worst part of any workplace ever. Rand has reported to her direct superior (Spock, maybe?) that the ship's captain attempted to rape her. Spock responds to this officially filed accusation by having Kirk, himself, and McCoy yell at her until she agrees it wasn't Kirk, and that he must have a double running around the ship. As I mentioned earlier, the Enterprise has a serious protocol problem with sexual harassment, and this is definitely a nadir in Human Resources management. They leave Rand to deal with her ladyproblems on her own, and try to combine the two unicanines. They become one dead unicanine, so no luck, Kirk.
Also, Kirk is weakening and can't make any decisions and is markedly un-Kirk-like. He asks Spock to make a decision for him, and Spock gets furious at him and says a captain must appear perfect or the crew will hate him. Spock, stop working for the Kim Jong-Il administration. Meanwhile, Sulu is getting colder! He claims it's 10 below, which maybe they don't use the same measurements in the future that we do now, because 10 below could kill you (I think?).
Kirk and Spock have an idea of where Krik might be, so they go searching for him in the coolest room ever:

Just to drive this point home: Significant portions of the crew are slowly freezing to death, the transporter's busted, AND an evil guy who looks like the captain is wandering around attempting sexual assault. Clearly you need the captain and the first mate on guessing-where-the-bad-guy-is-and-tryin'-to-catch-him duty. You know where Uhura almost certainly was for this? Doing. Her. Job. Checking on communictions, translating things from Romulan, and decoding incoming transmissions. STOP PLAYING ADVENTURE-SPIES, KIRK AND SPOCK. Get security to look for Krik.
Anyway, after that some stuff happens and things move pretty slow. Krik and Kirk end up on the bridge, and they have a "which one of us is the real Kirk???" moment, but nobody has to choose because the Krik tries to beat people up and they get him to get back into the tranporter, which is fixed now so don't worry Sulu.
My significant other, who is super Jewish, suggests that this is a very Jewish episode. According the Judaism, every person has the Good Inclination and the Evil Inclination in them. And you need both. The Good Inclination helps you, you know, not be a jerk, and the Evil Inclination helps you get things done. Krik is evil, but proactive. Kirk is basically good, but super wishy-washy. When we combine the two, we get the decisive, powerful Kirk we all need. That's a pretty cool analysis. But beyond it, this episode wasn't thrilling. Oh, and the editing was great. Considering it was 1966, they did a great job of showing Kirk and Krik in the same scenes. They used the Stop Trick, invented by Georges Méliès in - wait for this - 1896! So I guess it had been 70 years, which is not incredible, but it's well-executed here. Not Ernie Kovacs-well, but it was good. Sorry for all of these qualifiers. Fuck, whatever, here's the Smug Mug: