Miri: Season One Episode Eight

This was definitely the best episode so far that doesn't have Uhura in it. Granted, that is not a competition worth winning, but this episode was seriously great. We start in with the gang responding to a distress call on a planet that seems just like Earth, but it isn't Earth, not even Planet of the Apes Earth (spoiler alert), so don't worry.
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Rand, and some redshirts beam down to what basically looks like a ghost town from the 40s. It was actually the set of The Andy Griffith Show (both Star Trek and TAGS were filmed at Desilu, which is now Culver City Studios - fascinating information, n'est-ce pas?), and the dudes say it looks like a typical town from 1960. Um?
They come across a tricycle, which McCoy spends a ton of time TOUCHING. Like, is he remembering a dead child? And since everything about this town says, "pandemic," maybe you don't want to fondle everything that children put their butts on? I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But being a doctor is not enough to save McCoy from being attacked out of nowhere by a terrifyingly gross adolescent, whose skin is falling apart and is yelling like a little kid "Mine! Mine!" Kirk hauls off and punches him in teh face a couple of times and the kid dies (probably not from the punches).
The gang hears a noise, walks into a house to investigate, and finds a crying girl in a closet, who immediately trusts and loves Kirk and believes he can do no wrong. She's supposed to be, like 14? Whatever, no way Kirk will exploit this girl's wild hormones. Her name's Miri, btw, and Kirk thinks that's a cute name. She thinks Jim is a good name, so Harry meet Sally.
Spock is wandering around Ghost Town USA, and some little kids start totally messing with him. Spock, being coldly logical, has no clue how to deal with children (we all know someone like this, remember what that person is like when kids mess with him/her, it's hilarious). Spock immediately calls for help because he can't even get his act together.
Miri tells the gang that kids hate grown ups on this planet because a while ago all the grown ups got some kind of sickness, went crazy, got mean, started fighting EVERYTHING (hence the kid who was coo-coo for tricycle earlier) and then died. So basically what we have on our hands is a Kid Nation, and these kids would not even make it past episode one, they have done such a bad job of governing. Kirk gets super turned on by this history lesson, I guess, so he moves in for the kiss:
But before he can consummate this love, she notices that he has a gross sore on his hand, JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS AND I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU. Kirk's not alone, of course. McCoy's got the sores, and so does Rand. Spock doesn't show it, but he's got it. McCoy drops some pretty rude green-blood jokes on Spock (he didn't even pretend it was the disease talking). They get to work researching, using technology as well as reading books and stuff, and they figure out that the planet was put together with the plan of prolonging human life, but it backfired pretty bad. Everyone past puberty dies, BOOM. Also, everyone lives for a super-long time now, so Miri's actually a few hundred years old. She just hasn't matured. Still creepy, IMO. Team Jacob.
That's when things get awesome. We get to party a little bit with Kid Nation, led by Hawkeye Pan, an ageless boy who was drafted to Korea, and also his merry band of Lost Boys:
Hawkeye Pan decides that the Lost Boys need to steal the gang's communicators, because they figure the communicators are being used for evil (rather than for communicating with the ship in order to cure the pandemic). Also, another adolescent turns up dead, sort of bringing home the severity of things for Miri, who totally wants to make a porno with Kirk (I just thought of that).
Kirk returns so he and the gang can discuss further how little time they have left to figure out this cure before dying (basically a week). They talk about the changes Miri's going to go through during puberty, and it's so Three Men and a Little Lady, if the Little Lady wanted to make out with Tom Selleck (who doesn't?). Also, Leonard Nimoy gets an idea and decides to direct Three Men and a Baby in a couple decades. Also: Kirk asks Miri to sharpen pencils while the grown ups talk, which is so appropriate. That's a great way to treat people, Kirk.
While Kirk and the gang are distracted, Hawkeye Pan sneaks in and stone cold swipes the communicators, making it much harder for McCoy to figure this thing out. Things deteriorate: everyone starts snapping at each other, and sores are popping up, and it kind of sucks. Rand has a complete freak-out session where she's like "Kirk all I ever wanted was to bang you and now we're gonna die." Kirk is like "Sorry, boo." and gives her a big Friend Hug. Unfortunately, Miri sees this and gets the wrong idea because SHE AND KIRK WERE GONNA GET MARRIED. She is so pissed she sneaks off to Hawkeye Pan and starts conspiring with him. They plan on killing Kirk and Rand, and then the rest, in no particular order, it's just coincidence, no big. The Lost Boys love this plan.
Back with the gang, Spock and McCoy think they found the cure, but they're not positive. It could be the cure, or it could kill someone. So, who knows? Also, Kirk's flipping out because Rand's disappeared (step one of Miri's plan). Miri refuses to help him, and that's when he drops some TRUTH on her: When you grow up, your heart dies. You stop wanting to play with your friends, and you get the disease, and everything becomes terrible. Basically, he wants to separate her from her daemon. He shows her a sore on her own body, and she's sold.
She brings him over to Kid Nation, to try to convince the Lost Boys to cooperate. But oh man, these kids are in no mood to listen. They yell over him and laugh and mock him and it is so funny watching him try to retain order. It's like that episode of Full House when Joey becomes a substitute teacher, if Joey was also trying to sleep with Michelle (yikes). The kids attack him, Lord of the Flies-style, but he uses that to his advantage and tells them that they're being violent, just like they think adults are, so did I just blow your mind? He tells them they have blood on their hands, and they start frantically miming washing their hands, forever. Also, everyone dies some day, and if you guys are lucky you'll starve to death before the disease gets you, and other Facts of Life.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, McCoy is so freaking bored of just sitting around waiting for Kirk to convince some children of their own mortality, he injects himself with the maybe-cure, figuring you only go around once. He collapses to the ground, so maybe not the best plan? Especially since about a minute later Kirk walks in, with the communicators. Good things come to etc. But actually the cure worked, and McCoy gets better, so it's okay. The gang bolts the planet, and they discuss that some grown ups are being sent to the planet to take care of Kid Nation, which SUCKS because they were doing so great on their own. Rand mentions that Miri really loved Kirk, and Kirk drops a bon mot on her he's clearly been saving: "I never get involved with older women." (Because Miri was hundreds of years old, recall) Then he gives us our Kirk Smug Mug, which lasts almost a solid minute without dialogue:
So this episode was great and had creepy sexual overtones and everything, but can Uhura please come back? I miss her. :(

What Are Little Girls Made Of?: Season One Episode Seven

Jesus, this episode was just all Kirk all the time. We spent the bulk of the episode underground on planet Exo III with Kirk and Chapel and some character to be described momentarily, and we BARELY get to hang out with Spock and we see Uhura briefly and that's about it. SIGH.
So we're coming in on Exo III, and Chapel's over the moon (no pun intended) because they're pretty sure they've tracked down her fiance, which was maybe the reason why she joined the Enterprise, which maybe she should have just stayed with him instead of trying to join Starfleet in order to find him, you know? I dunno. It's fine.
Apparently Nurse Chapel's fiance is named Roger Korby, which is obviously just an Exo III alias for Roger Corman, the famed cult filmmaker. According to Kirk, everyone has to read about his movies at Starfleet Academy, so he's pretty famous, and also yikes how old is he? Chapel seems on the youngish side. Not trying to judge May-December relationships here, but let's just say I was not surprised to learn that she was his student at USC Film School.
Kirk and Chapel beam down to Exo III with two dudes conveniently wearing red shirts. According to The Internet these guys were the first Red Shirts on the show to die. Sorry bros. Starfleet gets a wicked discount at the Uniform Emporium on red shirts. Everything's super cavernous and scary, so obviously one red shirt falls into a pit within like thirty seconds of arriving.
They meet Doc Brown, Corman's assistant (he would later go on to invent a device for time travel), who's like "Oh, that guy fell in the pit? He's definitely dead. Sorry, Kirk. No chance he's still alive. So freaking dead like you wouldn't believe."
We only see him briefly, but it's revealed that a HORRIBLE MONSTER CREATURE pushed Red Shirt #1 into the pit. The monster then grabs Red Shirt #2 and so just like that we're out of red shirts.

We get to know another member of this underground gang, Andrea, whose uniform is just like Doc Brown's but without a shirt underneath, because comfort I guess. Chapel's not thrilled by this development, because no woman wants to think her fiance has spent the last five years making underground movies with a lady this sexy. She probably does full frontal, you know?
FINALLY Roger Corman shows up, and as predicted he and Chapel have a real Woody/Soon-Yi thing happening, which is fine.
Kirk tries to call Spock to let him know things are cool, don't worry, but Corman's like DON'T CALL THEM BUT PS DON'T FREAK OUT EVERYTHING'S COOL I JUST CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW. Kirk's like "Sorry I don't roll that way" but Doc Brown pulls a phaser on him then so does Andrea but Kirk really casually disarms Andrea, as easily as one would signal for a check in an uncrowded diner, then shoots a hole right through Doc Brown and gets roughed up by that MONSTER from earlier. But guess what? Check out Doc Brown:
Androids? Yes, androids. Not only was Doc Brown an android, but so is Andrea and Ruk, the monster. Obviously Corman has been building a cast of androids so he can film longer hours without having to pay union rates. Also, Ruk can mimic anyone's voice, which is useful for ADR. Ruk calls Spock AS Kirk and is like "Everything's cool, Spock, don't send anybody down here, okay?" Kirk's like "Come on dude what the hell?" and Corman keeps insisting he'll explain later, but not now, for some reason.
Chapel asks, completely reasonably, "So, did you build Andrea for sex or what?" Within the bounds of Chapel's relationship with Roger Corman, having sex with a robot is considered cheating. Corman laughs at the idea, and says it would be impossible because robots don't have emotions. (Um.) To prove a point (?) he orders Andrea to kiss Kirk (EPISODE WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY WILLIAM SHATNER not really), then to slap him. Apparently Corman doesn't know that this mirrors every sexual encounter Kirk's ever had.
That done, it is time to build a Kirk roboclone. Kirk sucks in his gut a little, and Chapel can definitely see his penis. It's not clear how this device works, but Kirk has this completely brilliant idea where he spends the whole time saying rude things about Spock under his breath. Why? YOU'LL SEE. Also, here is the control area for the roboclone machine:
As far as anyone can tell, RoboKlork is exactly the same as Kirk, including having his memories! Roger Corman takes the opportunity to start explaining the situation to everyone involved. He thinks the world would be better and more efficient if everyone were replaced by roboclones, which I guess is true, but who would be around to enjoy it, you know? Why not just eliminate all of humanity and leave it alone? I dunno. Maybe I'm just not smart enough. But if you replace all your actors with robots, and your audience with robots, will anybody attend your movies? Probably not, Roger Corman. While Corman is blabbing, Kirk escapes, and attacks Ruk with a big plaster penis. Ruk pretty easily disarms Kirk, obviously, and we're back to square one.
RoboKlork heads back to the Enterprise for some scheming. Spock asks him a question, and RoboKlork repeats Kirk's offensive language from earlier, alerting Spock to the fact that this guy's a phony, because Kirk and Spock are BFFS.
Back on Exo III, Kirk has a new plan. He forces Andrea to make out with him a ton, and in doing so CONFUSES HER ROBOBRAIN. She's all "I am a robot and have no emotions, yet I want this captain inside me. Does. Not. Compute. Beep. Boop."
There's a little moving from one room to another, then a scuffle occurs, and Corman rips his hand and guess what:
Yes, that's right. Roger Corman himself is a robo-auteur. He claims he's the same as he ever was, but Chapel's not into it now. So I wonder: is she just prejudiced against robots? Would she have been cool with Corman banging a human lady on the side? I don't know how to feel about Chapel right now. Anyway, Corman and Andrea do a Robeo and Julibot thing and both phase out, so really this whole mission was kind of a big waste of time.
We end on the Enterprise (I missed you, Enterprise), where we recall that even though Spock knew that RoboKlork was a roboclone, it didn't really result in anything substantial, which is okay. Spock tells Kirk "you kind of hurt my feelings with what you made your roboclone say." And Kirk's like "I won't call you a half-breed if the situation comes up again," which is basically like saying "Shut up," and he flashes a smug mug AND THAT'S WHERE WE END. Maybe next time there will be more of our favorite characters.

Mudd's Women: Season One Episode Six

Here comes Mudd's Women, and that is a good title for this episode because basically Our Man Mudd just rips it up across this episode. It also moves pretty slowly for the first half, focusing mainly on the confusing legal travails of Our Man Mudd, then suddenly kicks into high gear and juggles thirty plots at once. Let's dive in!
The Enterprise (including the occasional appearance by Uhura, so, that's awesome) is chasing an unregistered ship through an asteroid belt! So, immediately we are in the ACTION. Both ships get messed up pretty bad by the asteroids and stuff (the science of this was hard for me to follow, not because it was unclear, but because I felt like I got it). They beam aboard the captain of that ship, and he is an incredible, huge, hairy Irish beast of a man with a curly mustache and a silver tongue. He is Our Man Mudd, but shhh he's pretending his name is Leo Francis Walsh. He's also dressed like a pirate! No, really:

Mudd explains that there are three other individuals on his ship, but they're not his crew dot dot dot THEY'RE HIS CARGO. If I were Leon Phelps (and I am), I would say "Ooh, it's a lady!" I would say it again two more times, because they're three ladies. And immediately all the bros on the ship are left drooling all over the ladies, except for Spock who currently has two emotions: Not Into These Ladies ~and~ Pissed at The Bros For Being Into These Ladies. Plus Sulu is not into them because he's looking at Our Man Mudd and thinking "More Cushion for the Pushin'" and "Where Can I Get A Sweet Hat Like That?"
It's established that these ladies are with Mudd consensually, and they're looking to marry dudes and so Mudd finds dudes in search of ladies to marry, and gets the dudes to pay for this, and this sounds creepy but is basically space prostitution, which is NOT YET LEGAL/SAFE, which is disappointing. This show was made in 1966 - are there episodes about back-galaxy space-bortions? You know? But there's something weird about the ladies, because they're supposed to refuse medical examinations (PS it is suggested that they might be forced to undergo medical exams, which IS THERE NO CONSTITUTION IN SPACE OR WHAT?). So, keep an eye on that.
We're then subjected to a Space Kangaroo Court, where Our Man Mudd is subjected to a Lie Detector Test while being tried. This seems unreasonable. His real name is revealed, as is the fact that he has a criminal record. He's basically a galaxy-trotting ne'er-do-well named Harcourt Fenton Mudd, which in my book is no crime at all. They decide to keep him locked up, which is fine by him because it's pretty lax security on the Enterprise, and also he's got a secret plan going with The Ladies. One of The Ladies, Eve, is totally head over heels for Kirk (OBVIOUSLY) and is not sure she wants to go through with the schemes. Trust Our Mann Mudd, Eve. He knows what he's doing.

As luck would have it, the Enterprise is badly in need of some dilithium crystals (referred to on this episode as "lithium crystals" which sounds like something a character on Breaking Bad would get addicted to), and Our Man Mudd promises the crew that the dudes who are gonna marry The Ladies have tons of dilithium. Just tons of the stuff, hint hint. Our Man Mudd bangs out a deal with the miners before Kirk even knows what's happening. And so here come the miners!
But first, The Ladies are chilling in Our Man Mudd's cabin (chilled-out lockdown environment, Kirk) and they cannot find their pills! What kind of pills? The kind of pills that keep the ladies from looking hideous. So, twist. The ladies aren't really beautiful! They just look beautiful when they take pills.
The miners meet The Ladies, and other than Eve everyone's getting along pretty well. Eve doesn't really want to party with these guys, so the three miners start fighting over the other two ladies, and things break down. Eve bolts, and now the gang needs to track them down or else they can't get the dilithium and so on. Also, the planet's covered in dust!
Everyone goes looking for Eve for a while, then one of the miners just kind of stumbles upon her and they go back to his place where she is mighty unhappy to be with him. She shows him how pissed she is by cooking him breakfast (?) and he is angry about this (!). He tells her that a real man makes his own breakfast, and hotties are only for banging. Her good looks fade, and he's like "Well, what's the point?" Kirk and Our Man Mudd show up (I missssssed himmmm) and explain about the Hottie Pills, which are apparently illegal too? What is with space criminalizing everything, you guys? I can understand an ethical argument against taking a pill to make you conventionally attractive (probably this was an allegory about plastic surgery?) but making it illegal seems excessive, especially because it appears to have no negative effects. Kirk casually holds out a pill and she swallows it and gives the miner a hard "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT???!!!" Then Kirk, that sly old dogg, explains: the pill was a placebo. You went back to being a hottie because you gained Self Confidence! Kirk gets the dilithium crystals, smirkingly discusses imprisoning Our Man Mudd, and Eve gets married to the coal miner, because now they're into each other.
I'm sorry, but this episode is space-insane. She gets more beautiful because she gains self-confidence? Does she learn a valuable lesson or something? Is this episode a fairy tale? Because of the Space Magical Realism of this episode, I'm inclined to think of it as non-canonical. A little folk tale, basically. Let's close out with a Kirk Smug Mug COUPLED with a OUR MAN MUDD SMUG MUG:

Two pieces of housekeeping:
I really hope that Mudd comes back. I probably don't mind about spoilers, if someone mentioned that he shows up again, but obviously I'd want the details to be a surprise. But he is one of my all-time favorite characters on the show so far, maybe tied with Fencing Sulu for second, after Uhura Always.
Also, it has come to my attention that some of my readers are genuine Star Trek fans (or "Starries," as they prefer to be called) and want to comment to correct my understanding of a story or to generally engage me about the show. Feel free! I'd love to know what you guys think of this silly ol' blog.

The Enemy Within: Season One Episode Five

I'll be honest from the start here: this is not my favorite all-time episode. I'm sorry, but you cannot keep me from Uhura this long. In fact, I'm going to have a comment on this subject later. Don't let me forget!
The situation is that some of the gang is on a planet, just looking at rocks, when jackass Fisher cuts his hand pretty bad and has to get beamed back and is covered in ore and whatever. More importantly, perhaps, is the fact that the gang finds a cute hilarious dog/unicorn hybrid, or a unicanine.
Scotty gives Fisher a once-over with his weird-substance-detector, and decides Fisher's cool, don't worry about it. You guys update your software please.
But we're missing the main point here, which is that the ore that Fisher's covered in causes Kirk to split into two dudes: Good Kirk and Evil Kirk (or "Krik," as I have just decided to call him). The primary distinction between the two is that Krik totally wears eyeliner (how is that evil Star Trek what are you trying to say just kidding you're cool) and also staggers around like a freaking troglodyte. He can totally talk, but does so very rarely, like Frankenstein in the original book, and in this example I am that asshole who read the book and is a dick about how Frankenstein's monster can talk.
Kirk goes to take a nap in his quarters, where Rand was just chilling while he was gone, because it's totally normal for yeomen to hang out in a captain's quarters when the captain's not around. Krik, on the other hand, immediately begins causing trouble because the dude does not know who his parents are, or something. He wanders over to McCoy's office and immediately acts like he's about to make out with McCoy because this is a slash fiction episode:

But no Krik just demands booze instead, which luckily the always-drunk McCoy keeps right next to the examination table. Krik begins to wander the halls sipping on bourbon like Ulysses S Grant, until he comes across Yeoman Rand's quarters. He totally TOUCHES a painting she has placed in her room, maybe she was even painting it herself, whatever, dick move, and decides to settle in.
Over in Kirk's quarters, Spock drops by to be like "Bro I heard you almost kissed McCoy and then grabbed his Southern Comfort. This is all plausibly Kirk behavior but certainly seems a bit X-treme. You cool?" Kirk has no idea what he's talking about, so the ever-loyal Spock decides that McCoy, the doctor, is going insane and they shouldn't stress over it. They almost decide to worry about this idea, when they get a call from Scotty, who has discovered a weird thing about the unicanine clone that popped out of the transporter: It is the exact opposite of the regular unicanine. Instead of saying, "Scotty, it is crazy to claim you can tell the difference of personalities between two alien pooches you just met, have you been stealing liquor from the doctor too?" they just say, "Oh, that's weird. Good thing it DEFINITELY DIDN'T HAPPEN TO KIRK." and also realize they can't beam back Sulu and the gang from the planet they were on, which sucks because the planet's getting crazy cold at night. Here's a pretty unnecessary picture of this scene, just because I love almost everything in this picture:

Seriously, Kirk is wearing his leisure shirt, and a worried Scotty is holding that kooky dog, which has definitely been sedated, because the personality differences between the dogs is that one is docile and one is barking like crazy. Sorry, I don't usually use this blog to make fun of Star Trek, but this episode was not my favorite so, sorry.
Next, we head over to Rand's room, where TENSION has been building. I want to comment quickly on the decor. She has a wall that, when you touch it, slides open to become a dresser/makeup table. Why not just have a dresser/makeup table there? The reason is that it was 1966, and as fucking genius Natasha Vargas-Cooper writes, this was an era of clean lines. This was the era that Stanley Kubrick defined the antiseptic future. WHOA. Sorry. On the story, which is awful. Krik tries to rape Rand. She calls out for help, and that JACKASS FISHER pushes the intercom button and wastes so much time identifying himself that he doesn't even get a chance to say "Krik is trying to rape Rand you guys" before Krik incapacitates him. Damn it Fisher, you're terrible at everything. I'm glad you got your hand cut. Krik returns to Kirk's room to hide and nurse his wounds.
Now comes the worst part of any workplace ever. Rand has reported to her direct superior (Spock, maybe?) that the ship's captain attempted to rape her. Spock responds to this officially filed accusation by having Kirk, himself, and McCoy yell at her until she agrees it wasn't Kirk, and that he must have a double running around the ship. As I mentioned earlier, the Enterprise has a serious protocol problem with sexual harassment, and this is definitely a nadir in Human Resources management. They leave Rand to deal with her ladyproblems on her own, and try to combine the two unicanines. They become one dead unicanine, so no luck, Kirk.
Also, Kirk is weakening and can't make any decisions and is markedly un-Kirk-like. He asks Spock to make a decision for him, and Spock gets furious at him and says a captain must appear perfect or the crew will hate him. Spock, stop working for the Kim Jong-Il administration. Meanwhile, Sulu is getting colder! He claims it's 10 below, which maybe they don't use the same measurements in the future that we do now, because 10 below could kill you (I think?).
Kirk and Spock have an idea of where Krik might be, so they go searching for him in the coolest room ever:

Just to drive this point home: Significant portions of the crew are slowly freezing to death, the transporter's busted, AND an evil guy who looks like the captain is wandering around attempting sexual assault. Clearly you need the captain and the first mate on guessing-where-the-bad-guy-is-and-tryin'-to-catch-him duty. You know where Uhura almost certainly was for this? Doing. Her. Job. Checking on communictions, translating things from Romulan, and decoding incoming transmissions. STOP PLAYING ADVENTURE-SPIES, KIRK AND SPOCK. Get security to look for Krik.
Anyway, after that some stuff happens and things move pretty slow. Krik and Kirk end up on the bridge, and they have a "which one of us is the real Kirk???" moment, but nobody has to choose because the Krik tries to beat people up and they get him to get back into the tranporter, which is fixed now so don't worry Sulu.
My significant other, who is super Jewish, suggests that this is a very Jewish episode. According the Judaism, every person has the Good Inclination and the Evil Inclination in them. And you need both. The Good Inclination helps you, you know, not be a jerk, and the Evil Inclination helps you get things done. Krik is evil, but proactive. Kirk is basically good, but super wishy-washy. When we combine the two, we get the decisive, powerful Kirk we all need. That's a pretty cool analysis. But beyond it, this episode wasn't thrilling. Oh, and the editing was great. Considering it was 1966, they did a great job of showing Kirk and Krik in the same scenes. They used the Stop Trick, invented by Georges Méliès in - wait for this - 1896! So I guess it had been 70 years, which is not incredible, but it's well-executed here. Not Ernie Kovacs-well, but it was good. Sorry for all of these qualifiers. Fuck, whatever, here's the Smug Mug:

The Naked Time: Season One Episode Four

So far this is my favorite episode of Star Trek ever, and probably the best episode of any TV series in history. This episode has it all, you guys, and more. That's why Star Trek was immediately canceled following the airing of this episode; they knew they could never top this (I have no idea yet if they top this. I'm very excited to find out).
The episode begins in the pre-naked time, or "Stardate: The Clothed Time." Spock and a jackass named Joe are asked to land on a planet where some people recently died, wander around, check out the sights, and watch the planet crumble. This seems like a pretty cool mission, and ideally every mission for the whole series. "Okay, next you have a planet thirty light years away that's gonna die. Go watch that."
Spock is the very model of competence, AS PER USUAL, but Joe is so stupid that he removes his glove so he can wipe his nose (!) and forgets to put it back on before he goes and touches everything. Looks like Joe might get sick, no surprises and really good riddance. You need to thin the herd, Enterprise, if you've been hiring morons like this:
They get back on the ship, and Spock has no idea what killed the people, but a quick checkup on him and Joe reveals that both are pretty healthy (OR ARE THEY?). McCoy uses the opportunity to make fun of Spock for the way his body works (come on, you're a doctor, cut it out), but it's probably just jealous over Spock's hot bod in a t-shirt (this episode includes a lot of hot bods, spoiler alert).
A little while later, Joe is having lunch in the recreation room, where people are playing awesome outer space games, which is swiftly in my top five Things To See on Star Trek. Sulu walks in with his boyfriend, Kevin Riley, having a discussion over whether or not fencing is awesome (Sulu is pro-fencing, obvi). Joe is feeling weird, and flips his shit when Sulu talks to him and SO BEGINS THE NAKED TIME. Joe foolishly challenges Sulu to a knife-fight, but Sulu was just talking about how awesome fencing is so who do you think ends up stabbed?
Later, the gang is watching the planet fall apart, which as you may remember was their mission, and they realize it's falling apart wayyyy faster than expected, and maybe it's taking them with it? Everyone gets pretty bored, especially Sulu, who is coming down with NAKED TIME'S DISEASE, as indicated by being covered in sweat. He leans over to Kevin, and invites him to go hang out at the gym (it's not clear if Sulu is out on the Enterprise, but it is clear that he is out to the audience). He insists they do some fencing, but Kevin wants to stay at his post, because Naked Time's Disease hasn't taken hold on him yet. So Sulu peaces out. (Worth noting, briefly: in this scene, and basically throughoutt the episode, Kirk is a total jerk to everybody and yells at them about how to do their jobs while doing basically nothing on his own. It's annoying. Example: McCoy says "I don't know what happened to Joe. I did all the possible medical tests on him." Kirk goes "TRY THE IMPOSSIBLE" which is absolutely not helpful, Kirk.)
Once he realizes that nobody cares that Sulu's gone, Kevin starts yelling at Spock and talking like an Irish cowboy and leaves. This. Is. Awesome. It made me want a spinoff that takes place on an Old West planet where Kevin (who starts calling himself O'Riley, btw) has to be the new sheriff but maybe nobody respects him because prejudice against Irish? I don't know, I'm just the idea man. But look at this:

Riley checks in at sick bay, where he infects the nurse with Naked Time's Disease, whose character name is ACTUALLY "Christine Chapel," and who is played by Gene Roddenberry's then-girlfriend, later wife. But nobody cares, because the greatest thing in history occurs right after this:
Yes, Sulu has taken off his shirt, and he. is. ripped. He is brandishing a fencing-sword (rapier?) and looking for trouble. He straight up tries to duel everyone he meets, and is generally causing problems and is wonderful. True story: the original draft of this episode had him turning into a samurai, but George Takei was like "No racism pls" so they said "How about a musketeer?" and MAGIC HAPPENED.
Meanwhile, back on the bridge, in the absence of Sulu and Kevin, Uhura has been asked to do their job as well as her own, yet another reminder of her overwhelming competence and another chance to wonder why she doesn't demand a promotion or something. Go get it, girl.
She stands up for like two minutes and is taken captive by Musketeer Sulu (quit this job, Uhura). Sulu is felled in like two seconds by Spock. The ship is close to getting eaten up by the falling-apart planet, but they can't do anything because Keltic Kowboy Kevin has taken over the ship from another room, and is singing Irish ballads over the PA (stay a while, Uhura, this job is ridiculous) and demanding that women wear their hair down (Kirk: "Turn off the PA, Uhura." Uhura: "I can't. He's locked it." Kirk: "TRY HARDER."). Keltic Kowboy Kevin's holing up in this control room is another opportunity for a crewmember (in this case, Scotty) to try to do his job, and for Kirk to YELL at him to just forget safety protocols and shoot lasers directly at the wall as hard as he can. Who will take the fall if this backfires, Kirk? You?
Then comes another awesome setpiece. Nurse Chapel and Spock, who both have Naked Time's Disease, share a moment of wanting to make out, Chapel especially basically ripping off her clothes right there, but Spock is all, "I am a Vulcan. I don't wanna do it." Then leaves the room and starts crying. It is awesome, and amazing, and supposedly increased Leonard Nimoy's fan mail to the max.
Kirk sees Spock crying, and decides an appropriate response is FRIENDSHIP SLAPS. Unfortunately, Naked Time's Disease is passed by violent contact, so when Spock slaps Kirk back, he gives it to Kirk, and Kirk realizes he might be in love with Rand (?!). Luckily, McCoy has the cure to Naked Time's Disease, but whoops has to rip Kirk's shirt to dose him. Brief emotional outbursts aside, everyone gets back on track and solves their problem of the planet trying to destroy them, but for some reason they travel three days back in time, which is completely awesome. Everyone's like What Does This Mean, and Kirk's like, "I guess we're gonna find out," and then they all ZOOM off into space, and you in the audience are so excited you can not stand it.
This episode was directed by Marc Daniels, an extremely prolific TV director of the time, who directed a ton of I Love Lucy, and did the scene where Spock has an emotional breakdown so well you guys. And what post would be complete without one of these: